LaBoeuf Barfed On My Shirt

So anyway I got in really late last night, drunk as fuck and stoned off my ass after a night out with the boys. I don’t know why Maria tolerates it, really. Oh wait a minute, yeah I do. It’s cos I’m one of the biggest super-smash-hit box office moviestars of all time and soon to become President of the fucking Universe. HA^TM HA^TM.

Man that Kissinger can party. I know he’s allegedly 86-years old and looks like a sun-dried toad with glasses, but man, that guy was outbonging McCain last night and that’s no mean feat! I hope when I’m allegedly 86 I’ve got as much game as he does. The mumbling schweinhund.

So, as usual, I invited everyone back to mine for bratwurst and hookers: Oprah was designated driver this time and we bagsied the front seat for that young fuck LaBoeuf – he’s still not ready to be shooting with the big guns yet so we knew he’d ralf. And he did. All over the bearskin interior of the Hummer that faggot Putin gave me when he came for a three week power lunch back in 2007 EEYYYYAAAARRRRGGHH^TM! He’ll fucking pay for that in good time. Trust me^TM.

So we got back about 3 am and I got Manolo straight on the case. The guy makes a mean bratwurst, in fact his sausage handling is the single reason I chose him out of all the other illegals that auditioned for the part of gubernatorial manservant. The fact that he’s also related to some of the finest hookers this side of Tijuana is an added bonus. As is the fact I have them on speed-dial HA^TM HA^TM HA^TM.

So McCain and Kissinger were going at a couple of barely legal illegals, LaBoeuf was knocked out on the sofa and Manolo was at the grill. Me and Oprah were smoking cigars. She’s a real hoot. She was telling me about growing up in Mississippi and selling pot to children. The used to call her DOPErah HA^TM HA^TM! Even if it’s not true, it’s still funny. Like my supersmashhitboxofficemovie Twins – as if I’d be related to that midget DeNiro. EEYYYYAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH^TM!! You people are so stupid!

Anyway Oprah was telling me about how she managed to get that homosexual, drug-abusing muslim illegal alien president elected last year, so she should have no problemo^TM making me President of the Universe in 2012 (it’s as good as done)!

So after the senior Republicans were done with Manolo’s relatives, we woke up LaBoeuf, had some stogies and played naked Twister until Oprah needed to leave for her morning broadcast. Man I was wasted, and I love being Fuhrer of Kalifornia.

That was definitely the best Tuesday so far this week ever.