Return of the Reptilian Overlords

nesarai_medSo I got up in the middle of the night to take a gubernatorial slash, and then I was thinking about stepping outside to chug on a midnight stogie, when I bumped into Kissinger wandering aimlessly around the house wearing nothing but his underwear, and that stupid glazed look he always has in his eyes.


He didn’t notice me. He was standing next to a table lamp turning it on and off at random intervals, muttering some bullshit to himself in that god damn stupid fake German accent of his.


“Blehblehbleh… Morse code… blehblehbleh… have to send secure communication… blehblehbleh… to mothership… blehblehbleh… the planets will be in alignment… blehblehbleh… my masters are coming…”

Jesus. The old man’s cracking up. I gave him a stogie hoping it would shut him up, but he just started nibbling on the tobacco. I left him to it and walked out to the garden to think.

He turned up at our house a few weeks ago to help me finalize my plans for World Domination, and now he won’t leave. What’s worse is that all he ever wants to do is get wasted and fuck high class hookers all the time. Either that or play Risk.

Maria’s getting really hacked off with the whole thing. Last night she told me, “Arnold, you’ve got to do something! I don’t know how much longer I can take this! Even the kids are starting to freak out! And why, for the love of all that is good and natural in this world, why does he go out into the front yard every afternoon, take his clothes off, and lie down on a rock for five hours in the baking heat?! WWHHHYYY???!!! I WAS GOING TO HAVE SOME FRIENDS OVER YESTERDAY BUT I COULDN’T BECAUSE THE FIRST THING THEY WOULD SEE WHEN THEY PULLED INTO THE DRIVE WOULD BE KISSINGER’S ASS CRACK SMILING AT THEM!!! I HATE YOU!!!!”

I tried to reason with her. “Maria,” I said. “Darling, baby… that man is one of the most successful, most celebrated mass-murderers alive. He’s so good they gave him the Noble Peace Prize for it. He is quite possibly the most devious, evil little shit that has ever lived. We have to be nice to him. It’ll only be for a few more days, I promise. I love you.”

“I want him out of my house,” she said quietly, with a sigh that told me I’d fucked up, big time.

But that’s not even the worst of it. Dillon’s still out there, somewhere, probably driving around in my Hummer, plotting and scheming, trying to do everything he can to break my concentration and stop me becoming President of the Universe in 2012. The police haven’t found any proof yet, but I know it was him. It couldn’t have been anyone else. The son of a bitchTM.

It’s a beautiful, cloudless night. I’m standing barefoot in my back yard with a freshly lit stogie in my hand. The kids are fast asleep inside, and Maria’s gone to one of her cousin’s for a few days. Everything is… still. As it should be. I know in my mind that nothing stands between me and my destiny, that one day I will be elected President of the Universe. But for some reason, I still can’t shake the feeling in the pit of my stomach that something isn’t quite right…


One Response to “Return of the Reptilian Overlords”

  1. Latest 2012 alignment news – Return of the Reptilian Overlords « Arnold Schwarzenegger 2012 | How To Survive 2012 Says:

    […] Return of the Reptilian Overlords « Arnold Schwarzenegger 2012 […]

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