Politiks 101

Politiks 101So everybody’s favourite fire-breathing superhero is poised to become the world’s first carbon billionaire. I’m shocked. Giddy with disbelief. The walls of reality are crashing in around me. Okay, not really.

First he makes a super smash-hit box-office movie about how if we all don’t stop farting and filling the atmosphere with gas, all the polar bears are gonna die. Or some shit like that. I forget the details. Kissinger and I were baked out of our skulls when we watched it. Then he invests his money in a bunch of businesses that record and regulate how much people are farting. Then these businesses get juicy government contracts to record and regulate how much people are farting.

Let’s take Silver Spring Networks as an example. How much was their contract from the Energy Department worth? That’s right. $560 million. The government policies he supports conveniently pump millions of dollars into businesses he has invested in. Duh. His buddy Maurice Strong spends the first five minutes of every day just laughing his ass off when he wakes up because you people are so fucking easy to fleece. Honest to CROM. EEEYYYAAARRRGGGHHHTM!!!

I’ll tell you how much Mr Gore cares about his precious polar bears: in 2006 his mansion used up 221,000 kilowatt-hours; the national average is 10,656 kilowatt-hours. And then this little fuckweed has the nerve to fly around the world telling other people to fart less. What an asshole.

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