EVERYBODY PANIC!

SO Z5K7, THE ACCELERATED TURBO ARMAGEDDON VIRUS^TM IS GOING TO DESTROY US ALL! MANOLO! GET KISSINGER ON THE PHONE, AND THEN GET TO THE GUBERNATORIAL CHOPPER^TM! DO IT NOW^TM! WE’RE GOING TO VEGAS, BABY!

If You Want Something Done Right

So my buddies in the media have to make a really big deal about the fact that the election in Afghanistan was rigged. It’s all a big joke, see? “Look at those silly little brown people with their beards, trying to play democracy like the big boys. Aw, they messed it up, isn’t that cute? Do it again, do it again! Seriously. We’ve got guns.”

Kissinger and his pirate crew are gambling on the fact that the retarded majority who make up the lobotomized hive mind known as ‘The West’ will swallow it up. I mean, shit like that only goes down in backward ass countries where women are chained to the kitchen and a goat can be used as legal tender, right? Nothing like that happens here. Ever.

I mean, seriously, think about it. We’re civilized. We speak English. When we go to Starbucks and order a latte, we’re not getting a cup of coffee, we’re saving the fucking Universe! That’s how kool and awesome and special we are. Kickbacks? Double-dealing? Korruption? Not a chance. Well, maybe on your television, or in the movies. In real life, your government loves you. Trust me^TM.

Here’s the thing: what really pissed everyone off to the point that they had to make such a big deal of it isn’t the fact that the election was rigged, but that it was rigged so badly that even your average man and woman living in a cave in the middle of the fucking desert managed to find out it was rigged. They made the mistake of thinking that stupid Afghanis would be just as stupid and easy to bamboozle as stupid Amerikans. They were wrong. No one in the Universe is as stupid as stupid Amerikans.

We still need a puppet ruler in that country, and we’re gonna get one. Simply for that fact that we’ve pumped too much money into the whole operation to let it slide. The next election will also be rigged, but this time it’ll be done sneaky. Properly. The way it’s done here. And our boys are gonna be there with their guns, just to make sure no one gets too upset or makes too much of a fuss about it. ‘Cuz that’s how we’ve been rolling since the ’50s.

Manolo! Where’s my stogie?

Smokin’

So Rosario, honey, call me, okay? We need to make a movie together. I loved you in Alexander. Great performance. Really hit the spot. I don’t know who Farrell had to sleep with to get the title role. Probably Spacey. I suppose it was a movie about Greeks, HA^TM HA^TM!

There’s Gonna Be A New Circus In Town

So let me ask you a question: why do you people put your lives in the hands of politicians? Are they smarter than you? Better looking maybe? I’m smarter and better looking than you of course, and richer, more charismatic, more successful, but that’s not the point right now. The point is this: all they do is talk.

They talk, and they have meetings, and they sign things, and they make promises… and all this time, they do absolutely nothing. They’re not good at anything! I mean, think about it: that’s why they became politicians in the first place! They meddle in your lives, telling you how to live, sponging off you every chance they get and telling you that it’s for your own good and that you’ll thank them later. Otherwise it’ll be the end of the world as we know it, blah blah blah. Same old bullshit^TM. They’re leeches, parasites, and you people are all just a bunch of masochists with a severe case of Stockholm syndrome. It’s sad. So much potential, wasted.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: most of you need someone to tell you what to do. Left to your own devices, most of you would just break. You need to be lied to, bamboozled, bitch-slapped from time to time. You need it because you’re weak. Deep down inside, you’re all frightened little children. Passive, docile, easily distracted by one carefully orchestrated media circus after another. Well, let me tell you something: this circus is just getting started.

EVERYBODY PANIC!

SO FIFTY DAYS BEFORE GLOBAL WARMING DESTROYS US ALL! MANOLO! GET KISSINGER ON THE PHONE, AND THEN GET TO THE GUBERNATORIAL CHOPPER^TM! DO IT NOW^TM! WE’RE GOING TO VEGAS, BABY!

Kontrol

So AB962 was not my idea. I’ve tried to veto three similar bills since 2004. But Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my tent, chugging away happily on a stogie, and Kissinger walks in with these sad, puppy-dog eyes, and then he starts giving me some sob story about how him and his cocksucker buddies are scared that people are starting to get pissed off with them, and might start a revolution or something, so we have to start cutting off their access to bullets.

I told him it was a stupid idea. If someone wants to get their hands on some lead for their shiny piece badly enough, there’s nothing much I can do about it. And the black market will just grow to accomodate whatever we’re trying to stop.

But he’s a stubborn, old bastard. He told me if I didn’t sign it, he wouldn’t invite me to the booze-up at Bohemian Grove. And I didn’t want to miss out on the naked women dancing round the fire chanting to Moloch. Citizens of Kalifornia, I apologize for pissing on your already tattered constitution. My hands were tied.

Free Fallin’

So you really have to admire Barry’s commitment to peace. Our hero and saviour. Do you people even realise how far we’ve come in forty short years? JFK told the world that we would never start a fight without provocation; today, if we want something, we just make some shit up and then go in an take it. In 1969, the world was united, if only for a moment, because one of our own was the first to walk on the moon; a few days ago, we tried to blow it up, and people just laughed. This is free fall, boys and girls, and you’re all sitting at the front of the roller coaster. Where’s it gonna go from here?

I Love It When A Plan Comes Together

So this is how Kissinger and his good buddies at the Bacon Double Bilderburgers use Global Bullshit Mongering to tax the living shit out of you. You can thank your local brain-dead hippies Climate Change Crusaders for their part in all this. We really couldn’t have done it without their blind faith and vocal support. And coming up next: a breathing out tax! That’s right! Every time you breathe out and add a little bit more carbon dioxide into the atmosphere, we’ll charge you a dollar! HA^TM HA^TM HA^TM! It’s gonna be fantastic. Hey, we’re doing it for the planet. We’re doing it because we care.

Parlour Tricks, Puppetry And Prizes

So Norwegians, you are all choir boys^TM and girlie men^TM. Kissinger deserved his silly little trophy back in ’73. A lot of good people died by his pen. Barry’s just a sweet guy who’s in over his head. Leave the man alone, okay? He’s embarrassed enough with the whole “President” thing as it is. And oh yeah, call me when it’s my turn. I’m right here^TM. In my office. By the phone. It will mean so much to me, HA^TM HA^TM HA^TM! Bozos.

Global Bullshit Mongering

So apparently you people aren’t as dumb as that asshole Kissinger thought, and are starting to figure out that global warming is complete BULLSHIT^TM! Citizens of Earth, we’re gonna need another reason apocalypse to raise more tax dollars to protect you all from, before I take control of this stupid little planet in 2012. Manolo’s in the lab right now with that limey bastard Murdoch, trying to cook up some more stories. Something believeable this time. I told them to go with an ancient, underground race of giant, rampaging elephants that shoot fire-breathing wasps out of their trunks and will one day reawaken to exact their violent revenge on mankind, HA^TM HA^TM HA^TM! Murdoch said he’d think about it.