Blazing A Trail

Blazing A TrailSo today I get a phone call from Lou Ferrigno. I am really glad he does not hear so well because I am always with the giggling while on the phone with him. I swear, the man sounds like a big burly Elmer Fudd.

“Hi Awnowld, this iws Lou.” he blurts out.

“Lou, who?” I ask, like I can’t already tell.

“Lou FAWIGNO!” he says, louder this time like I’m the one who can’t hear.

That voice! I go to pieces. Some ash from the Cohiba Behike that I’ve been smoking falls onto my custom cut Hugo Boss jacket. Scheiße!

“Whas so fuwnny Awnold? I cawn hea you lawfing.”

Damn. I forget  he can hear a little bit now since hearing aids are going to the digital, or something. I always feel a little uncomfortable when Lou pouts. Last time he caught on that I was making fun of him I felt so bad that he talked me into a trip to China to watch the Special Olympics.

Trying not to sound too distracted while still brushing ash from myself: “Oh, sorry Lou. I’m just watching Kindergarten Cop. Did you know that aside from being one of the highest paid supersmashhitboxofficemovie stars of all times, I can also mix it up and do comedy? It’s amazing, really…” I now get up from my desk and begin to take my jacket off. That fucking oaf, this suit cost more than his cochlear implant. EEEEYYYYAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHTM!

I drape mein jacket over the bust of former Gov. Peter Burnett that sits in the corner of  the Governor’s office. Whenever Uncle Teddy used to come visit I would tell him it was Mark Twain.

“Awnowld, I was thinging the owther day abowt how you awre gowing to become the pwesident of the Univewse in 2012, and thewn I was thinging abowt how evewry prwesident needs a viwce pwesident…” kind of trailing off there, hoping I’ll catch his meaning.

After an uncomfortable pause: “Oh, um, geez, about that Lou…” I’m scrambling to make up something. “I’ve – I’ve already picked my running mate,” then, with inflection and sincerity, “I’m very sorry.” (I’m doing the emotionally empathetic bit I learned while filming Junior).

“Oh… you hawve?” he says, trying to hide his disappointment.

“Yeah, big guy. I’m sorry. Mebbe next time?” I’m really hamming it up now, baby talking to him like I do with Maria’s cat. I catch a glimpse of my reflection in the office window. I immediately become erect. I begin cooing to myself in a quiet, soothing voice: “Arnold, mein Säugling, you’ve still got it.” I am now crooking the phone in my shoulder and flexing a curled bicep.

“Diwd you say somging Awnold?” Lou asks akwardly.

“No, not at all, Lou.” I say, straightening up and smoothing out my shirt. “Anyhow, Lou, I’ve got a very busy schedule, with ze budget crisis and all. I’m afraid I have to let you go now, the people of Kalifornia cannot wait.”

“Wha-” he starts.

“Illegal immigration and ze housing crisis!” I blurt out. I quickly hang up before he can start to object.

Lou Ferrigno, Vice President of the Universe? Can you imagine? Nobody would go for that. I mean, the man sounds fucking ridiculous. Can you picture what a joke that would be, going around everywhere pronouncing things all wrong with that stupid voice? HATM HATM HATM.

I am all the sudden very aware that I have never given a vice president any thought, or even who a good campaign manager might be. I begin to pace a little, becoming slightly less sure of myself. I look down and am disappointed to find that my erection is now gone.

I am reminded of my unprecedented blockbuster hit, Total Recall, where I start losing my grip on reality. Who can I trust? To whom can I turn? My thoughts start to drift, and I begin absent-mindedly chewing on the butt of my stogie.

I’m suddenly back in 1990 – on the set again in Mexico. That’s where I met Manolo, actually. I drugged him up and smuggled him back in to the country in one of the tires of my Hummers.

Now I’m seeing myself again in my trailer banging the Martian girl with the three titties. I smile as I once again see her paper mache brüste flopping up and smaking her in the face as I screw her…

Screw… SCREW!

By CROM! I suddenly know what I have to do. I reach into my pocket and begin to dial. The phone rings once and and is almost immediately picked up. I can hear heavy breathing on the other end and am already picturing his pasty pug face – ugly, like the Devil’s.

There’s no turning back now.

“Karl? This is Arnold. We’ve got a campaign to plan, baby.”


7 Responses to “Blazing A Trail”

  1. crayonwaxy Says:

    Seeking the council from Mr. Rove I see Arnie?

  2. m Says:

    I don’t get it? Karl who?

  3. TenFeetTall Says:

    Karl Rove, of course. Who else is an evil guy names Karl who will help you plan a campaign?

  4. RMR Says:

    Hahaha, awesome! Karl Rove is such a seedy prick!

  5. alexz Says:

    Karl Rove can’t go into churches. Hallowed ground and all.

  6. Janet Says:

    you have my vote

  7. Bryan Westby Says:

    Great posts. Fairly Hunter-esque writing. I voted for Arnold you in 2004 because he was the best candidate. I voted for Barry in 2008 because he’s a friend of a friend. I’m watching the next few years – let’s see what happens.

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