Bun For My Bratwurst

Bun For My BratwurstSo I was just signing some gubernatorial proclamations or declarations or some shit in my smoking tent the other day, when suddenly a thought came crashing into my head: CROM, my mom was hot in Conan.

And I mean so many people look back on the eighties like all the moviegirls from that era are super-nubile sex goddesses. They couldn’t be more wrong. Have you seen Top Gun lately? Kelly McGillis looks like a convict with a wig on. Nobody’s got anything on Conan’s mutti. Trust meTM.

Anyway at the time we were doing Conan I was not the big-shot box office superstar I would become two years later in The Terminator, but she was from a town in Germany quite close to Austria so I still got to grope her.

Roswicha Bertasha Smid Honczar her name was, which shits on Schwarzenegger to be fair. Five foot eleven inches of Germanic goddess that left the Fatherland to pursue a career in softcore pornography in Franco’s Spain. Now that’s a fraulein close to my heart – mixing tits AND fascism. HATM HATM.

Anyway, you might be wondering why she doesn’t have a speaking role in my first and possibly most autobiographical super smash-hit box office movie, Conan the Barbarian. It’s because her English was shit. And according to Manolo, so is her Spanish. Although she didn’t say much in those films either, on account of the tits. KOOOOLLTM.

So obviously we were getting on well during the filming: her being a super hot porno vixen, and me on the cusp of transforming from seven-time Mr Olympia winner to super smash hit box office icon. In fact, I think it’s probably more than, and in all honesty likely, fair to say that she was infatuated with me from the moment my ferimones invaded her nostrils.

So anyway, we were hanging out on set one day, she was wearing a skin-coloured bikini and pouting on a sunlounger and I was lifting fat kids to spice up my usually boring two hour dumbbell set, when suddenly I was overcome by the pump. I dropped the fat kids, ran over to her and knelt by her sunbed.

“Mein liepschen,” I said, grasping her tiny girlie hand, “by CROM one day I will be the most highly paid super smash-hit box office actor in all of Hollywood, become Fuhrer of Kalifornia and then in 2012 ascend to the presidency of the entire Universe. It’s a dead cert EEEEYYYYAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHTM!!!!”

“You are the shining light in the darkness, the rhino’s horn, the bun for my bratwurst! Be my consort and we shall rule the Universe as President and Mrs President and have billions of superkinder to carry on the name of Schwarzenegger for all eternity EEEEYYYYAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHTM!!!!”

She looked at me, gorgeous and bewildered. On second thought, maybe I should have said it all in German. Nevertheless, I went in for the kill.

“You’re going to sleep with me tonight, my dear. You know why?”


“Because I’m stronger than you.”

Anyway, that was the last time I spoke to Roswicha Bertasha Smid Honczar. Last I heard she was a washed-up schizophrenic throwing ducks at bread in a Madrid park. She could have been Mrs President of the fucking Universe (it’s a sure thing), but obviously then who would feed the bread? DUMME SCHLAMPE!


One Response to “Bun For My Bratwurst”

  1. OG Says:

    yeah she was the first really beautiful babe i ever seen i was 5 or 6 at the time thought id look her up see where she at.I watch conan and wondered if u asked her out had a feeling u did cause who wouldnt if they could a.

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