Pig Fever

Pig FeverSo as you all know we’re gonna get infected and probably, possibly, almost certainly gonna die from die Schweinegrippe, or as you English speakers call it “Pig Fever”. With the greatest possible respect, they should never have let you people name anything. I mean, CA’AM AAANTM, Pig Fever? H1N1?

In my super smash hit box office movie True Lies with the wife-beating coke-addict Tom Arnold and the hermaphrodite Jamie Lee Curtis – what, JAMIE sounds like a girls name to you, dummkopf? Please, the woman has a schwanz – the brown guy with the beard’s nickname is “The Sand Spider”, and why? “Probably cos it sounds scary,” says the other even uglier and stupider looking brown guy.

So what the fucking hell are you people thinking then? If you can’t even glean from a stupid super smash hit box office movie that if you want people to soil themselves, you have to make things sound scary. What, you think Conan the Barbarian would’ve been a convincing gore-crazed, rampaging barbarian/musclebound womanizing character if my name had been Kevin motherfucking Kline? NEIN!

“Schwarzenegger” sounds like the kind of noise The DUVVELTM makes when he’s taking a violent shit, that’s why it works, Kalifornia. Plus, the damn name is so long that it instantly strikes fear into the people of this country, because they have an average reading age of eight. In fact, the stogie I’m smoking right now, as I dictate this trash to Manolo my gubernatorial manservant, has a higher IQ than most of my subjects. Shit, cross that out, Manolo, and put “fellow citizens”.

So anyway, Amerikans, I was speaking to my good friend and fan Dr Heinrich Kissinger, and we’ve decided the best course of action is to rename and rebrand this Pig Fever to give it the gravitas it so direly needs in order to make the population so afraid they’ll be asking for suppository vaccines, even though they don’t exist.

Dr Kissinger was talking about having these warning commercials with 20 foot tall, red-eyed, stogie-chugging wild boars setting fire to the bamboo huts of innocents and laughing as they cough their deadly infection over smoldering carcasses. “Heinrich,” I told him “That’s so Vietnam, man!” He muttered some bullshit that I couldn’t understand, so I just laughed and gave him another stogie. He’s a great guy but his head’s still in the ’60s. We’re gonna have a powerlunch all week next week to discuss other ideas. And Faye Dunaway’s tits probably. Again.

Anyway, one thing has been decided: as of when Manolo gets to writing all of this down – probably after my afternoon stogie and foot rub – in the State of Kalifornia, Pig Fever shall henceforth and forthwith be designated as Z5K7, the ACCELERATED TURBO ARMAGEDDON VIRUSTM. Kiss my Arsch, Amerika, we’re almost definitely, in all probability, doomed.

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One Response to “Pig Fever”

  1. Tim Says:

    …pig fever?

    We don’t call it that :S

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