The Prime Minister and Me

The Prime Minister and MeSo I went to see Tony Blair in London a couple of years ago on his last ever formal appointment.

Along the way I asked my designated driver and 25-year member of Gold’s Gym, Tyrone, to park up my official vehicle, Das Reglerhumvee, in front of the site where Planet Hollywood used to be in Piccadilly Circus.

I got out, told him to turn his back, and wept. Then I got back in, lit a stogie, and laughed because Willis and Stallone are broke-ass bums and not governors.

When we arrived at Downing Street, I was reminded of that classic line from my super-smash-hit box office movie Eraser with the lovely Vanessa Williams, were I told her to “GET DOWWWWN™!” as the supersonic guns ripped through the house where she was living with her boyfriend and then ripped through her boyfriend too.

Downing Street was not as good as Eraser because I didn’t have my own trailer, couldn’t smoke inside, and Vanessa wasn’t there either. Not that I groped her or anything like that. She’s black after all, and despite my father being a Nazi, my step-father being a Nazi, and my best friend, Kurt Waldheim, being a Nazi, I’m no racist.

I’d met Tony Blair before a few times, but I had completely forgotten how diabolically hideous his wife was EEEEYYYYAAAARRGGHH™! I must’ve put it out of my mind like when my memory was erased in Total Recall, that movie about Mars with the woman with three tits.

I wish Blair’s wife had three tits, so I didn’t have to look at her face EEEEYYYYAAAARRGGHH™!

Anyway, we had lunch for five hours, talked about me, my movies, clones, world domination, my impending presidency of the universe in 2012 (don’t bet against it), and then we went to the Downing Street press conference.

It was all going well – I was doing my governor thing, he was doing his feudal overseer thing – until near the end of the press conference when he made the crack “I won’t be back!” refering to the fact he was leaving office.

That really pissed me off. I hate that. Only I can make allusions to my super-smash-hit box office movie one-liners! In fact, in the state of California, I own the copyright to phrases like ‘I’ll be back™,’ ‘You’re fired™,’ and ‘They caught a train™’.

Anyone who is heard uttering those phrases is immediately flogged, has all property and assets seized and turned over to me, and is sent to a Re-education Camp just outside LA. There they are taught acceptable alternatives like ‘I will return shortly,’ ‘You are discharged as an employee of this firm,’ and ‘They hopped aboard a locomotive.’

As for that pisskopf Blair, I made it pretty clear after the press conference that when I’m President of the Universe in 2012 (laugh at your peril), he will not be on my Kreigmas card list, and I’ll probably terminate him and all those he holds dear. Especially his ‘wife’, EEEEYYYYAAAARRGGHH™!

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