Attack of the Clowns

Attack of the Clowns

So a few years ago my good buddy George Lucas came round to my recreation Bavarian 19th century hunting lodge in LA, the Schwarzeneggerberghof, to have lunch for five hours and talk about his newest merchandising project.

“Hey Arnie, I’ve finally got a name for my new movie! It’s going to be called Episode II: Attack of the Clowns,” he said, grinning like a small child that had become a fat man with an 8000 acre ranch and his own currency.

I spat the stogie I had just lit out of my mouth and gave him the same look I gave Art Malik in my super-smash-hit box office movie True Lies, when we were both in elevators racing to the top of that hotel – he was on a motorcycle, I was on my favourite horse, Siegfried the Avenger.

“Don’t be ridiculous buddy,” I said to George, who was covered in expensive stogie juice, “You can’t make a movie about clowns and expect it to be a super-smash box office hit. Have any of my movies been about clowns?”

“But the thing about Star Wars…”

“Clowns aren’t scary George. They entertain our gullible children with their painted faces and balloon animals, and then when they go home they get wasted on cheap whiskey and watch videos of hot naked lesbians making out.”

“But the thing…”

“Come on buddy, how do you expect to make a super-smash-hit movie with an idea like that? What happened to you man? Back in ’77 you were a god! Now look at you! You’re trying to get rich by ripping off the American people with a cheap movie about clowns! That’s pathetic. Do you know what’s really scary George?”

“…”

“CLONES!! Make your movie about clones! All of my greatest movies have been about clones!”

“Er…”

“You see, the thing about clones is that it’s an infinite loop of philosophical proportions! I mean, take the audience: they’re all basically fat, stupid, helpless animals waiting for people like you and me to tell them what to do and what to think, to tell them how to live! They’re all clones!! Clones of each other! And then they go to the cinema to watch my movies about clones and your movies about clones!! Clones watching clones! You see?! EEEYYYAAARRRGGGHHHâ„¢!!!”

So George said he would think about it.

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